The Things We Cling To… Seriously?!? (I Ask Myself)

We should pause from time to time and question why we struggle to let go. Sometimes, letting go is the smartest play, if not the easiest. Sometimes questioning ourselves isn’t so simple; we are better off with professional assistance in the form of a mentor (not too far removed from our reality), a coach, or a therapist.

Letting Go of What?

Just before we cancelled cable TV in our home, along came that massive first wave of reality TV.

Lucky us, exposed to such productive and useful content…

Survivor; to make us feel love-lorn and, at the same time, less attractive, although perhaps also less crazy.

Cops; to firmly entrench our views on who exactly ‘fits the profile’.

Hoarders; to make us feel way better about our clutter levels.

Let’s talk about hoarding for a second. Hoarding comes in many forms. As kids, it’s bottle caps, stamps, comics (okay, okay, graphic novels… calm down), trading cards. Depending on how our socio-economic circumstances evolve, as we grow older, it may morph into short pieces of string, rocks, junk mail, magazines, newspapers, books, hats, shoes, handbags, sports gear, memorabilia, watches, motorcycles, cars, properties, ex-spouses (Ladies, you tend to get it right the second time; men not so much). Some of us actually hoard money, either literally ($120,000 down payment in cash under a mattress?!? true story) or perhaps in the form of crypto (bro), stocks, bonds, or basic savings in a bank account.

And depending on how susceptible we are to mass hysteria and how irritable our bowels are, we may, from time to time, hoard toilet paper… of all things. Such is the power of the internet.

Some of these things we can pass off as ‘collections’, although when we start assigning entire rooms or buildings to our habit… well, where is the line here?

At the end of the day, all these have one major component in common: Mental Real Estate.

All these collections consume valuable Mental Real Estate inside your head.

24/7, billions of neurons fire over a range of topics and considerations. The greater our collection of stuff, in both size and perceived value, the more space it occupies.

Another thing we collect: people. (Hopefully not literally)

More accurately:

Relationships

What sort of relationships?

Productive and positive ones?

Relationships with people who uplift you?

Relationships with people you love and who love you?

Relationships with people who push you to do more?

Relationships with people who push you to be better?

Relationships with people who believe you are capable of more?

The above are the sort of relationships worth granting free rent in your head. These are the kind of people you want to think about before going to sleep, and then wake up in the morning ready to emulate, impress, and set an example for yourself.

What Triggered This Post?

Negativity.

A phone call led to this post, a call with a Broker who mustered significant energy—energy I could hear in their voice through the rough edge, the aggression, the passion, the deep hurt, the long-suffering pain, the unrelated history of things carried around ready to amplify this brief instance, this nothing-burger, into a 7-course meal, even if consuming it all would mean their own demise.

The language used in the call was hateful. To their credit, they edited themselves when I asked them to. But the story consumed more than 30 minutes, which I allowed because it seemed cathartic for this person, and I genuinely hoped they might see the colossal waste that all of this was on so many levels.

The client’s race was cited—repeatedly.

The client’s religion was cited—repeatedly.

The client was labeled with an extreme political banner—repeatedly.

The client was labeled with a specific derogatory word—repeatedly.

All of this over what?

73 bucks!

The client felt they shouldn’t have had to pay $73 for a transactional item.

The Broker felt that the $3,770 commission generated wasn’t relevant to the $73 conversation.

The client suggested filing a complaint with the regulator and the BBB.

The Broker weaponized a word the client used: ‘principles’.

Why?

The Brokers ‘hot-injustice-button’ was hit. A button rooted in decades of unrelated experiences.

People who cite their ‘principles’ as motivations for treating someone else poorly are missing key points of life itself. ‘Principle’ used in an argumentative and petty way doesn’t put food on the table, generate goodwill, referrals, or happiness for anyone involved.

Principles of how we treat others matter.

How we are treated does not define us.

How we treat others defines us.

It’s hard to suggest any logic or consistency is being applied in this situation, and it seems much of it stems from a general sense of discontent. Something I often see in people tossing around the P-word.

Happy isn’t a word I would use to describe this person after our 90-minute conversation. Instead, they are someone clearly spoiling for a fight, thriving under a label (drawn proudly from a personality test) of ‘disagreeable’, and hungry for any opportunity to prove themselves ‘right‘, even if only technically.

Perhaps most concerning was that the point of the call was to discuss joining the Brokerage I preside over. It was their interview, whether they realized it or not. And as we hung up, I was left with a few questions to ponder:

Would I want this person at a corporate mixer, a few drinks in, regaling a group of our Brokers with how they refused to back down over $73? No.

Would I want them using the language they used with me, in front of any of our people? No.

Is this person a producer? Yes.

Are they a leader? No.

1 out of 4. Not great.

Could they be a leader?

Maybe yes.

They are intelligent and perhaps open to change. Perhaps.

This, I think, depends on what they want to continue collecting: people’s heads on a stick or productive lasting relationships. One serves only themselves, in a dark and sad way. The other serves their community, business, family, and themselves.

After all, what are we here, readers of this blog?

We’re a community.

If you’re reading this, you’re a key part of my community. Some of you correct my typos, which I appreciate. Some of you refer me, and I refer you—mutual appreciation.

I don’t want any of your heads on a stick.

Not a single one.

I want all of us, if we don’t already, to get along!

What Is the Easiest Way to Do This?

Stop hoarding negative relationships.

Start cultivating positive relationships.

This Broker could have ended the exchange—perhaps not the relationship (future referrals?)—by simply e-transferring $73 instantly without argument, justification, or whining.

Just shut up and eat it.

$73 is nothing in the face of their deep six-figure earnings.

Instead, by making it something, by collecting this person, this exchange, this relationship, they’ve given this situation some very expensive Mental Real Estate.

And it’s costing them, in ways they truly do not even see. The client is a prominent figure in a small community. And in a credibility contest, the clients profession likely beats a Brokers easily.

Conflict Interrupts Profit

End conflicts quickly, do not try and fight wars of attrition with members of you community, or members of your database. Eat it and move on. Onward, and upward.

Conclusion

Perhaps I’ll have an opportunity to work with this Broker in the future. Maybe there’s an evolution of thought on their part. Or maybe they’re currently living a life of perfection, with their behaviours and style having granted them all they ever dreamed of… maybe but is sure didn’t sound like it on this call.

Be the Better Human!

DW